I usually regard quizzes that promise to categorize me in five minutes as too simplistic to be accurate, and therefore only complete them when bored. That said, in a recent bored moment, I took a “listening quiz in Rebecca Shafir’s book The Zen of Listening, and was taken aback by my abysmal score. What’s more, I suspect it was legitimate—at least as it pertains to my non-professional life. When listening to my husband describe his daily data-crunching, for instance, ennui takes me by the hand, and off we go a-wandering.
Although this isn’t very admirable, Ms. Shafir asserts there’s still hope for people like me. It starts with the recognition that our small egos are mistaken in asserting their supremacy. When engaging with others, we need to drop our self-obsession and listen from their perspective. This means really sinking ourselves into their story, or into what Shafir calls their “movie”.
“Well, sure,” you might say. “I do that.” But do you really? Pardon my doubt, but if you’re anything like me…
You tend to interrupt.
After all, you can clearly see where they’re going, and with a well-chosen word, can say it more succinctly and clearly.
But the fact is, you may not know your partner’s conversational goal. And even if you do, who cares? The message isn’t nearly as important as the sharing. Be there for them and let them know you empathize.
You’re planning your response.
Your eyes are on them, your head is nodding, and your mouth is making appreciative sounds, but the rest of you is busily planning a response. In other words, you’re somewhere in the future, and for all practical purposes absent from the conversation. Three points:
- Hanging out in the future means you’re missing out on the present. (And after all, the present is all there really is.)
- According to a plethora of studies, the more completely you engage with the present moment, the happier you are. Also, the more you think about others, the happier you are. So, if you can do both at the same time, you’ve got it made!
- Besides, by being so self-absorbed, you’re missing out on what the other person is saying, and any chance for authentic interaction.
You’re waiting to take-over
You already have a goal for this conversation, and, at the first juncture, intend to assert control and re-direct it. However, if your agenda is so powerful that it overrides basic courtesy, then consider sending what you so desperately want to say in a note. That way, you’ll get your audience and probably a response, and in the meantime, can be present for the direction in which this current conversation heads.
You’re waiting to dispense wisdom
You know the speaker and have heard it all before. In fact, if he’d just shut up, you could offer some excellent advice. So, maybe you have heard it all before, but maybe the speaker will throw a curve ball. You can’t be sure.
- Besides, even if you’ve heard it before, you can always ask questions that lead the speaker into deeper reflection. Chances are, the next time he brings up the topic, this more interesting territory is where he’ll head.
- Also, regarding advice, remember not to minimize the other person. Not only may she not relate to your advice, but she needs to cultivate his own wisdom, borne of her own life’s material for any lessons to stick.
So, how do we respond with sensitivity?
According to Shafir, who comes from a Zen Buddhist background, we should first attend to our inner selves. This means learning to quiet them through meditation and mindfulness. Not only is this good for our emotional and physical health, but by clearing out the inner debris, by cultivating an inner garden of silence, we have enough space to really listen.
In fact, she recommends that we do more than listen: that we immerse ourselves in the speaker’s story, regarding it as we would a movie. Like any movie, however, this involves sitting down and full-heartedly participating.
Finally, we respond not by interrogating, dispensing advice, or minimizing their perspective; rather, at first, we simply refrain from speaking at all. That’s right. We engage in silence, which ultimately encourages them to continue speaking. Then, as they continue speaking, we reassure them when they falter, and we occasionally paraphrase their message to indicate we understand.
The takeaway
When conversing with another person, If we sit down, listen, and are even entertained, that’s great, but it may not be enough. Ask us to recall the conversation in three months, and we’re likely to have forgotten it. So, Shafir’s most practical advice is to hone our memory through active listening skills. What was the speaker’s name and background, main point, supporting facts, and how did it change our own perspective? (Ask any teacher: Making a personal connection enhances memory and learning.)
By cultivating the Buddhist position that everything is related, we realize that if anything is valuable, then everything is valuable. Attentiveness to others and to the authenticity of our response leads to an atmosphere of respect and consideration: an atmosphere most of us find pleasant. But it’s not one for which we can purchase an entrance ticket. Rather, our own participation ushers us in through the door.